Coping

It's been over a week since my miscarriage...I don't know how I am supposed to feel.  I don't feel sad anymore.  I don't normally dwell on things and I always try and be more optimistic about things, but it's been tough not to worry and wonder.  I think I have a right to worry something is wrong with me and to worry that I will never be able to carry a baby to full term.  It makes me feel guilty since Brad wants a baby so badly and I wasn't able to give him one.  Brad doesn't seem concerned, but it's no comfort to me when he doesn't let me finish a thought.  Yes I am being negative more than usual, but you have to let me vent right?  He doesn't seem to want to hear the negative thoughts.  I think I am allowed to be negative for a week or two.  It has only been a week by the way.  I may not show emotions, but I can still talk about things.  Talking helps.  This does read like Brad is a bad guy. He's not.  I just don't think he knows how to handle me.  I never cry or show ranges of emotion (other than happiness and anger).  I honestly think he just is overwhelmed with my newfound concerns.  All these years he has wanted a baby and I have pushed it off.  Now I think we are "ready" and I can't even do that. 

All the books and blogs say it's normal to feel this way, but nothing tells you how to understand miscarriages or even getting over it.  I guess time heals.  But right now it feels shitty.  Now, understand, I am not bawling my eyes out.  I am just angry.  Why did this shit happen to me?  It's hard not knowing EXACTLY what happened.  I know others have had it worse.  I was lucky I wasn't further along or had to have a stillbirth, but now I am going to over analyze everything if (big if) we try again.  It's hard to get past it and then to even try again with the potential of it happening again is even harder.  The statistics increase for those who have miscarried to 25% for another miscarriage.  The statistics are scary.  How can you not thing or assume the worst for next time?  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  We have friends and family that have been through it and now have children.  Any rational mind would not assume the worst, but as of today my mind is still in an irrational state.  So irrational that I expect Brad to read my mind and know what I am thinking.  I am probably not a fun person to live with...especially the last few days.  I am just down right grumpy and ill.

The only time I start thinking about the miscarriage and the future "what ifs" it's at night.  At work I am distracted and when we are out and about I am distracted. It's when I am sitting at home in the evening that I over think things.  So, my solution is wine.  Don't worry.  I will not become an alcoholic.  I will get back to my normal self.  I just wanted to vent about how shitty this all is.  Next week should be better.