On Wednesday, January 4, 2012 at 10:15 am Brad and I were told the baby no longer had a heart beat. We lost the baby. You don’t realize how emotionally attached you are to something that was so small you hardly knew it was there. But you are. We were devastated. My Doctor was not there that AM since we were seen on an emergency basis at the OB. The ultra sound tech was who broke the news to us and since it was bad news we saw Dr. Morris. He was polite and made all the necessary “I am sorry sounds”, but it didn’t help. It’s still bad news and no amount of “I am sorry” fixes the bad news. The first thing he and the ultra sound technician stated was that it wasn’t my fault. Why would I think it was? We’ll get there soon enough. He also stated the statistics that we all read in pregnancy books and other genetic possibilities. But since it was our first miscarriage there is not much concern of our ability to conceive and carry a child to term. Regardless, I have read 2 different pregnancy books and read the statistics of the 1-in-5 chance of miscarriage within the first trimester. It doesn’t prepare you. It’s still shitty. We scheduled a follow up with Dr. Middleton for Friday at 8:15 am and we headed home. Brad was the bearer of the bad news. I felt sorry for him, but I couldn’t bear to text, let alone talk, to family about it. Like I said, “I am sorry” just doesn’t make you feel better. I know it’s not being said in any way other than sincerity, but it’s still shitty news you have to deal with. I just cope on my own and with Brad. Brad is the only one other than my mom, my dad and my sister that have seen me cry (The Robot). I kind of like it that way. Everyone wanted to come by or do something for us, but Brad knew I wasn’t up for visitors. I didn’t want to re-hash the bad news so soon. Everyone was great and gave us our space.
Wednesday night was the worst. As I lay in bed the thoughts kept coming and going. Why am I the 1-in-5 women that had the miscarriage? Is something wrong with me and the doctors are down playing it? What did I do? Why did they say I didn’t do anything so quickly? Maybe it’s me. Was I doing too much? I mean. I was pregnant, not crippled. Should I have sat around and done nothing during the first trimester? Of course I tried to stop thinking like that, but of then I started thinking about the future. What if/when we try again and this happens again? Am I a strong enough person to go through this all again? I don’t know if I am. It’s a scary thought. So as I lay in bed Wednesday night, obviously not sleeping and worrying myself to death, I though “hey, I get to think irrationally for a little. It’s shitty news so I get to think like a crazy person”. It didn’t make me feel better, but it let me get the last of the super emotional bits out. Brad had to be the stronger one, which sucked for him. He was experiencing a loss too, not just me. I hope more people ask how he’s doing than just me. The baby wasn’t just made of my genetics. He played a roll too. He also had to field my questions of what If and why. No one has the true answer for why, not without thousands of dollars in testing will we ever know why. But, Brad did shake the irrational thinking by reminding me this may have happened for a reason. Our primary goal is to have a healthy baby and maybe this time around (and any future time around) there were problems that would negate our primary goal. That helped a little.
Thursday was better. We were numb emotionally, but that’s better than feeling sad all the time. Brad was nice and ran to the store to get me lady supplies. I had none in the house since I ran out right before we found out we were pregnant. Today was going to be rough. I decided to try and let nature run its course than have a D&C at the doctor’s office. Brad and took it easy and hung out around the house. Later that evening my parents stopped by the house to drop off some dinner. We ate with them and talked. It was nice to take our minds off of the situation for a little. I was able to tell my mom a little about what happened and what may or may not have caused it. My uncle from Florida called and I spoke with him for a bit. Later on my aunts stopped by with more food (we have tons of food). After everyone left Brad and I hung out for a bit and then headed to be early. It’s mentally exhausting coping with everything. I woke up at midnight to pretty bad cramping. Let’s face the facts. My body was doing its thing. I won’t get into the dirty details, but let me just say it was pretty scarring. I don’t want to experience that again. I was up all night dealing with this and Brad was too.
Friday at 8:15 am we had a follow up appointment with Dr. Middleton. We were not as emotional as Wednesday, but we still had questions. We discussed the potential causes and what our next steps were. She did not seem concerned with was comforting. However, if it does happen again there will be more testing. I just hope there isn’t another miscarriage. It’s a tough thing to cope with. It’s not like losing a loved one; it’s like losing a part of you. You feel empty. Not in a depressed sort of way, but physically empty (especially after what happened Thursday night/Fri early morning). I described everything that happened over the previous night/morning to Dr. Middleton. Brad had the option prior to this to leave or stay and he stayed. He was a trooper. I am telling you I told her every detail. She says it sounds like my body did what it was supposed to do and that I may not need a D&C. She did another ultra sound and confirmed the fetus was in fact gone. That’s when the felling of emptiness hit. The last time we were there was a fetus and now there is nothing. It’s a weird feeling. Not sure if I felt sad or if it just supplied closure. Regardless it is a hard feeling to describe. She advised I would have to come back next week for another blood test. Technically I still would have a positive pregnancy test. Once I get down to zero and I have one normal cycle we can start trying again.
Friday night the Bambergs took us to dinner. I was looking forward to getting out of the house and talking about other things. We tried out a new Thai place by the Mall of GA and then hung out at the house by the fire. It was a nice change of pace and a step towards normalcy. I am not looking forward to work. I don’t want to rehash the details at work. I do however look forward to getting back into the normal swing of things and put this all behind me. No point in reliving the shitty news. I look forward to tonight. Amy (and maybe Erin and Tiffany) and I will be hanging out. Wine night!
You have to always try and look at any bad experience in a positive way. It’s hard, but you have to. We get to try again for healthy baby. There could be worse things like not being able to try at all. In the mean time Wine Nights are an option again and so is sushi! No more nausea for now and no more whining for Brad to suffer through again. All in all Brad and I are ready to move forward and not look back. There is no point in looking back; you may miss what’s to come ahead. Don’t feel sorry for us; just be happy we have another chance.
